Guest Blogger: Josiah McDaniel on How to Eat a Banana

Ah, the Expository Essay.  My tutoring student, 5th grader Josiah McDaniel, decided to write a humorous essay on 'How to Eat a Banana.'  Some of you loathe certain foods, but I'll wager Josiah's hatred of this fruit surpasses even your most vehement feelings about. . .well, about whatever it is you push to the side of your plate, wishing you had a clothespin for your nose.  Enjoy!

HOW TO EAT A BANANA

BY JOSIAH McDANIEL, 5TH GRADE

Bananas may not be your favorite food, but when your mom says you have to eat a banana, you either have to do a lot of complaining, get out of it, or eat it.  If you follow these steps, you will be able to eat it safely.

First of all, do you like bananas?  If so, read no more.

If you don't like bananas, tell your mom.  If your mom says you have to eat it, complain and argue until she gives in.  If she doesn't give in within five to ten minutes, move on to the next step.  Gloves are optional.


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Next, peel the banana.  If you are lucky enough to find a big clothespin, clamp it over your nose.

Now hold the banana gently and don't squeeze it.

Grab the top, snap it off, and pull it down until a long strip dangles freely under the noxious fruit.
 
Repeat the process until you are holding the round, crescent-shaped fruit in its most dreaded form.

If the odor is too sickening to stand, tell your mom.  If your mom still says you have to, then complain and argue for 20 to 21 minutes.  If she still doesn't give in, start eating it.

To eat it, take a bite and chew and swallow.  If you throw up, tell your mom.  If she still says you have to, complain and argue forever if necessary.

If you haven't thrown up, take another bite, chew and swallow, and repeat the process until you either throw up or finish the banana.

If you ever finish the banana, make a disgusted face by  squinting your eyes, scrunching up your nose, and putting your lips as close together as possible to show your mom how much suffering you have undergone.

To dispose of the peel, seal it in a safe with at least 20 worms.
 
Swathe the safe with two feet of duct tape and pillows and haul it at least six miles into the woods.
 
 Bury the pillow-covered safe, with six pounds of lavender, at least ten feet underground.  Finally, set up an industrial fan blowing away from your house.

If you follow these steps, even if you are the most extreme banana-hater, you will be able to eat a banana safely.