Guest Blogger: Josiah McDaniel

Josiah McDaniel is my 12-year old tutoring student and a bright young writer.  I thought I’d share his excellent tips on how to ruin a backpacking trip here (one of the more interesting ‘how to’ essays out there)!

How to Ruin a Backpacking Trip

Are you getting bored of perfect backpacking trips? Is the ideal camping getting monotonous? Are your backpacking stories getting dreary? Try these handy hints and tips to transform backpacking into your style of miserable.

Not into misery? Follow the tips in the boxes instead.

First, it is time to prepare.  Do not read or listen to any weather reports but let your heart tell you what the weather will be—sunny, the ideal temperature, crystal skies.  So get rid of all your rain gear (rain jackets and rain pants, pack covers, etc.).  Secondly, pack cotton clothes—they are so much more comfortable.  Then toss in a couple Strike Anywhere matches so that they float randomly inside your pack.  Since there won’t be precipitation or extreme heat, wear only the clothes on your back.  Now that the packing’s done, congratulations!  You are ready for the worst trip of your life. 

ALWAYS plan for the worst. Pack everything listed above. Avoid cotton clothes, since they get really uncomfortable and cold when they are wet.

Glance at a topographical map and hastily pick out a campsite.  When you park your car, you notice a dark cloud, but that’s not a big deal.  It will clear up immediately when you start hiking.

You’re wrong.  Later that afternoon, when you trudge through the mud of the backcountry, soaked and still getting over the shock of bad weather, you find that your campsite is actually a quagmire.  Squander the rest of the day searching for a perfect campsite.  That way, when darkness falls, you have to camp wherever you are—in the dense undergrowth of a soggy trench on a 20 degree slope.

Topographic maps are very useful, but there’s a lot they don’t show. If the place you hoped for doesn’t work out, go back to the most decent place you’ve been BEFORE it gets dark.

Here is a truly ideal campsite at Glacier Lake.

Your mouth waters at the thought of a hot supper.  Rip open your pack and get out your cooking gear and food.  Search for your matches.  When you eventually find a broken match, spend ten minutes trying to strike it multiple places before you concede that it’s too wet.  Go through both matches.  Then try clinking two rocks, rubbing two sticks, and fixing your tent pole as a lightning rod to your firewood.

Just because matches say “WATERPROOF” on the label doesn’t mean they are. Always protect your matches or lighter from getting wet and make sure they are easy to find.  Also, bring extras!

The lightning rod works!  Unfortunately, your firewood is vaporized and the sparks sputter and die out, but not before your sleeping bag is turned to ash.

When you finally confirm you won’t be getting any hot supper, assemble a midnight snack.  How about your beef jerky and a granola bar or two?  Why not bring the rest of your food inside your tent?  Who knows how hungry you’ll get?

NEVER bring food or anything that might smell good to an animal (like toothpaste) inside your tent!

At one in the morning, when a bear robs you of your tent, your snack, your map, and the rest of your gear, assume sleep is impossible.  Instead, go on a night hike!  Your map is torn up and your water filter is smashed.  However, the water looks so clear that it is most definitely safe to drink.

Even water that appears clear can be full of microscopic yuckies. ALWAYS filter or purify your water. Abandon your trip immediately if your filter is broken (or pack a back-up purification method).

If you actually get back alive, many hours later in the dark, bumped and bruised, you probably won’t be feeling so good.  Try to take advantage of all those animals attracted by the contents of your stomach, spewed on the ground right beside you.  You have no tent or sleeping bag, so cozy up with the soft furry animals.  Those raccoons sure are cute, especially the babies.

NEVER feed or touch wild animals. It’s not good for them, and it’s not good for you if you annoy a protective mother.

If you’re not unconscious after the encounter with the mother raccoon, and if you manage to crawl away in the tatters of your bloody clothes (and if you have enough sense now not to build a makeshift hang-glider), find another hiker’s backpack.  Empty it.  Slide inside.  Hope that he won’t notice you there but will carry you back to the parking lot.

           

Finally, if you ever get back, hope that you’ve had a once-in-a-lifetime backpacking trip.  Now that you know how to make camping miserable, you do not want to repeat a trip like that, on pain of death.  If you aren’t cured of backpacking entirely, you will probably (and should) follow the boxed advice in the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Josiah has backpacked in Olympic National Park, in Royal Basin.  He's also backpacked in the Cascades mountain range at Glacier Lake (in the photo above, he is standing at the peak of Chimikin Peak).  He's climbed The Brothers near Olympic National Park.  He remembers his first time backpacking in Milk Creek, near Olympic National Park.  He prepicked his campsite using only a topographical map and it turned out to be a much higher climb than he expected.  He and his Dad had to hike to the nearest water source.  He says, "That was one trip not to be repeated.  I have learned to prepick the water source and then find a campsite around there."  In the future, Josiah hopes to shoulder his backpack and head back to the Cascades or Olympic National Park.