For the Victims of Suicide Loss

In this darkness that your loved one has left behind,

may your imagination be transformed.

May you trust that Love does not abandon its own to darkness.

May you step into the arms of that Love.

And may your laments be loud and voluble.

May those who love you sit long and quietly

beside this bitter river of your grief.

May you not dwell in the pits of shame and guilt,

nor stumble into the maze of self-accusation.

May your steps lead you away from the cruel grasp of regret;

May you walk pathways of vulnerability and freedom.

May you trust that our lives are more vast and beautiful

Than our limited understanding can grasp.

May you know that no shred of goodness in this world is ever wasted,

but is gathered up by One who loves without end.

May the bitter waters of your grief run sweet.

--

For the young men and women in our community who recently lost a classmate and friend to suicide, and for all who bear the tragic loss of a loved one.

This is the only blessing I have ever written for myself, in the days after our dear family friend committed suicide. Keats wrote in a letter once that when our friends suffer a tragedy, we are at our leisure to reason about it, but our own sufferings "touch us too nearly for words."  

As I write this years after my friend's death, I still cannot find words to clothe my anguish.  In the days after my friend died, my grief felt complicated beyond understanding--not only was this amazing young person who had lived with us, shared our table and our lives suddenly absent, but my sadness was complicated--tangled in the suffocating, clinging threads of guilt and regret.  Still I struggle to find a way to explain the darkness of those days without resorting to cliches.  Still I try to remember her as she was when she was well without feeling a shadow. 

One day after the funeral I tried to find anything online--in forums or support sites--that would reflect my pain and extend a hand to pull me out. While I'm sure there's some great support out there, on that day I couldn't find what I needed.  My friends and family and my faith helped me of course, but there was something in me that needed words on a page.  So I wrote myself a blessing.  Please know that the words still feel like bread crumbs thrown on an ocean, but I hope they will help.  Share them freely.